


Captain's Personal Log

by blcwriter



Series: Captain's Personal Log [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Jim is a competent frat bro with a heart of gold, M/M, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, TOS episode references, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:25:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4223391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blcwriter/pseuds/blcwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of the <em>U.S.S.</em> <em>Enterprise</em>-- as seen through the Captain's personal log.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain's Personal Log

**Author's Note:**

> Author: blcwriter  
> Title: Captain's Personal Log  
> Words:  Wordy, ongoing  
> Warnings/Rating:  PG-13 for language, referenced sexual situations  
> Pairings:  Kirk, gen.  Mentions of Spock/Uhura, Scotty/Gaila, Chekov/Sulu, McCoy/Chapel.  
> Summary:  Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of the _U.S.S._ _Enterprise_ \-- as seen through the Captain's personal log.
> 
> Kind of cracky, draws on and abuses all sorts of canon, as well as at least one crossover 'verse.  Also, Jim Kirk is a total crazy cat lady.  I shouldn't start a new series, but this one wanted to get started instead of anything else in my backlog.

Stardate 2258.104

Do you know that there are eight separate species serving aboard _Enterprise_?  That means there are eight languages and four sub-dialects, plus Standard, that are my crew's primary means of communication.  Add to that all the other languages my excellent crew speaks, plus Uhura and her encyclopedia brain and my not inconsiderable number-- I mean, I know, quite a few of my own, okay?-- and we have a hell of a lot of ways to talk to each other.  It's cool.  Right now, though, I'm starting to think the real language is sarcasm.  Either that, or Spock Eyebrow-- and the pointy-eared bastard taught it to my comms officer.   She said she had a talented tongue once-- she'd probably kill me if I told her she gave good brow.

Thank God for Bones and his eyebrows of doom.  Spock and Uhura are totally bush-league next to the doctor.  I'm so all over their attempts at being cool and evasive-- nobody does facial expression like Leonard McCoy.  I mean, Bones has three eyebrow quirks just for "Damnit Jim, eat something."  

Stardate 2258.111

Bones had a hissy fit in the mess and tried to fire one of the new cooks right then and there, claiming she was trying to kill me.  It was just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I'm sure she didn't know we're only supposed to have the fake stuff.  Stupid allergies.  I don't know why Bones made such a fuss, and then Spock got in on it too-- the poor girl was practically crying with the two of them, Bones swearing at the top of his lungs while Spock was all "I must demand that you tell me...".  I  mean, it's fine-- I had my epi-pen and I even used it before my fingers got all numb.  

Note to self-- stick with the salad, even if the only toppings are lentils and eggplant.  Uch.  I hate lentils.  Eggplant, too.  Why can't we have chickpeas and summer squash? Look into that.  

Further note to self-- do not piss both Bones and Spock off at the same time.  If I wasn't more worried about the breathing and heart attack thing, I would have been as freaked as that cook.  The dual eyebrows of doom thing was pretty damned scary.

Stardate 2258.134

We all live in a yellow submarine.  No, really, sometimes it feels like it, at least to the rest of the ship.  An Ambassador brought on this tree that turned out to have hallucinogenic pollen and for the first time in my life _I_ wasn't allergic to something-- but every other human on the ship was.  Spock, M'Benga's Andorian assistant head nurse Carlotta, those twin Deltans in Environmental, Gaila, that Tellarite ensign from the laundry, Fred the Andorian who runs the bar and the bowling alley, that shapeshifter Harry (don't ask, even Uhura can't pronounce his real name) from Geology, the Risan T'loura from Astronav, the Betazed from Cultural Services, Keenser and I spent a day and a half shutting off sections of the ship so we could scrub the air filters and flood the sections with antidote.  Note to self, give Keenser and Gaila bonuses beyond what I recommended for the rest of the alien crew, since they were the only ones slinky or small enough to get in the tubes to do the filter changes manually, since that bastard Riley cordoned off the computers down in Engineering.  

Bones was rather affectionate with all those hallucinogens in his system, and I had no idea Chekov could go-go dance, much less move his hips like  _that_.  No wonder Sulu's so damned protective.  Also?  Uhura has a bitchin' voice, even when she's singing in Vulcan.  I think some of it was dirty-- Spock turned kind of green and hustled me out of the rec room where she was playing his lyre (insert rude comment here) before I could really translate what she was singing.  Damnit, I never should have told him I knew the language.  Who knew the Vulcans had dirty songs?  Looking them up online isn't getting me anywhere.  Secretive pointy-eared bastards.

Unfortunately-- well, I guess fortunately-- nobody really remembers what happened while they were under the influence of what I'm going to call the Hallucinogenic Alien Tree Pollen of Doom, mostly just because doom's a cool word and nobody's reading this stuff except me.  I kind of wish Bones hadn't kissed me, though, because now I remember and he doesn't and  _damn_ , those lips are good for something besides drinking and cursing and making sarcastic cracks.  But he's never made any mention that he was into sleeping with guys, much less me, though why would he want too, regardless, he knows me too well-- at least when some plant isn't yakking pink pollen into the air.  I made all the aliens promise not to tell the humans all the things they got up to when they were totally stoned.  No one's in their right mind when there's pollen afloat in the air.  Spock and Gaila both gave me the eyebrow when I told them they couldn't tell Bones he shoved his tongue down my throat before he passed out, but I made them pinky-swear anyway.  

Note to self-- send Spock all available research on the venerable history of the pinky-swear.  Make shit up and hack it into the computer if you have to.

Bones' lips, though.  Fuck my life.

Stardate 2258.161

Mirror universe.  See official report for my full and pretty damned uncensored impressions.  I will add this, though.  That gold vest and imperial sash combo was awesome, if a tad bit flamboyant.  Would it be in bad taste if I went as my alternate self for the Halloween party I'm planning?

Further note to self:  Get Spock to have a part of the science division devote most of their time to alternate timelines and universes.  I don't care about paradoxes and butterfly effects and all that "change this, change the world" shit.  This stuff is freaky.  


Stardate 2258.170

  


Bones' wedding anniversary.  I had Scotty beam in a case of Romulan ale from a source that shall remain undisclosed.  I figure the quicker I get Bonesy drunk as a skunk, the quicker he passes out and then it'll be tomorrow and he can go back to his usual crankiness. I hate seeing him so fucking miserable.  If I ever meet that woman, I refuse to be responsible for my actions.

Stardate 2258.194

Gaila and Scotty had a big screaming fight in Engineering in the middle of beta shift over whether to upgrade to some new titanium/steel alloy ball-bearings in Impulse Drive B.  Scotty wanted to try them out, Gaila didn't.  Except the argument eventually devolved into favorite positions in bed and an alleged lack of variety and by the time I got down there they were throwing shit at each other, and then my appearance didn't help because Gaila got inspired to relate some of the stuff  _we_  did in bed together.  It was a bad scene, let me tell you.

Thank God Spock showed me that neck pinch.  And that it works on Orions  _and_  jealous Scots wielding laser spanners.

Turns out there's an Engineer from Betazed who's an unregistered projective-type telepath (they look totally human, which is why they are supposed to register, damnit) and she wanted in Scotty's pants, so she got all mind control on Gaila and had her pick a fight about something Gaila would totally be on board with most of the time.  I mean, come on.  An Orion who doesn't want to try something new?  As soon as Keenser told me  _that_  was the start of the fight, I knew something was up.  

I hate firing people.  Putting them in a telepathically-shielded brig sucks even more.  We'll drop her off at Starbase Four when we pick up more of those funky new ball-bearings.  Poor Spock's got to telepath-test half the crew on the ship along with Adriana from Cultural Services now, what a pain in the head.  I told Bones to give them all the R & R time they needed when they were done.

On a related note, I got thirty five emails from crew members asking me to explain that trick with my pinky finger that Gaila was talking about it during that fight.  I dictated a memo and sent it around.  It's all about spreading the love-- if thirty five of them get it down, there'll be a lot more happy crew members soon.

A well-fucked ship is a happy ship, I always say.  Wish I was getting some, or that I at least got off on petting the warp drives like Scotty and Gaila.  Man, one time I went down there on gamma to ask a question about some readouts I'd just gotten and, well... that's a story for another day.  Let's just say shit gets freaky down there pretty damned quick.  Engineers are so fucking kinky, and that's saying something, coming from me.

Stardate 2258.227

Tribbles.

I am totally picking up ships' cats at the next starbase.  They eat Tribbles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Useless cooing furry pieces of shit, even if they are Klingon detection devices.

Who knew you could be allergic to tribbles?  Bones says I'm the first person  _ever_.  I say I'm exceptional, he says I'm a pain in the ass.  He should get buried in tribbles and see how he feels.  It took a  _week_  for the rash to completely recede.  Goddamned furry _bastards_.

Stardate 2258.254

Bones and Chapel are totally doing it, I almost walked in on them in his office when I was trying to run him down for a drink after we dealt with those Tholians.  It's good that he's getting some action from Chapel.  She's the only person besides me who can weather his sarcasm  _and_  she's incredibly hot.  I'm totally happy for both of them.  Plus it explains why he's always picking up extra shifts in the Sickbay or "going over charts with Christine" these days.

I kind of wish he'd just come out and told me, though.

Stardate 2258.289

Despite his protests to the contrary ("Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a damned horse rustler...") Bones and I had a lot of fun stealing Patience's horses with Captain Reynolds and the rest of his crew.  That River is bad ass, even if Bones didn't like the way she kept talking to me about stuff in my head and asking for piggyback rides.  I said the poor kid can't display telepath manners if she's gone through what she has and Bones should ease up a little, but the guy is protective, even for a best friend.  But it's not River's fault their 'verse's protein nibs taste like that shit back on Tarsus, or that that's the first thought that ran through my mind during dinner-- it really didn't bother me that much that she brought it up right then and there, she couldn't know I'm a secretive bastard.

Eerie bad ass mind-reading teenage assassins aside, though, it was a nice change to find a universe that didn't have an alternate _Enterprise_ in it (I still have bad dreams about that mirror universe from three months ago, scary psychopath Chekov is scary), and we picked up some cool curses while we were at it, gorramit.  I was surprised that Spock bought the whole Robin Hood argument, much less that he came along for the ride, but he looks good in cowboy gear and while Uhura might never admit it, I think she thought it was hot when Spock shot all those tin cans off of that fence when the phasers didn't work and we had to use guns with _projectiles_. (Insert city-girl gasp of horror right here.)  Bones was totally into the shotgun Jayne lent him-- poor Chapel was horrified when the two of them went off drinking in the mess and started playing mumblety-peg-- I just say it's nice to see the doctor laughing that hard.  I just wish we'd had time to go off into town for a brawl at the bar, I haven't been in a good fight in _ages_ and I can hardly get demoted for throwin' it down in an alternate universe where the regs don't apply.

Scotty and Kaylee and Gaila sure got along well.  Really,  _really_  well.  That was totally hot.  That ship's doctor Simon, though, he didn't seem to believe me when I told him that Gaila and Scotty wouldn't mind if he joined in.  Like I said, shit gets freaky when Engineers are involved, and I guess Doctors are all no-no on the same-sex sexy-times thing in any 'verse.

I'm glad Sulu made friends with Zoe, I was a bit afraid Mal and I would have to mediate a " _quien es mas bad ass_ " contest  if they didn't.  We all won when those two started getting along, though, and I'm jealous of the souvenir gun Zoe gave him when we left.  All my projectile weapons are in the barn back in Iowa.  I should ask Mom to send them, I guess, this trip totally proved that the universe is utterly random.

Chekov's saddle-sores are healing up nicely.  I told him he didn't have to come and could stay back at the ship with Doctor Tam, Kaylee and our two Engineers, but he was all "No, River's my age and I want to go," before he gave me that hurt puppy look I can never say no to.  

Note to self, let Sulu talk Chekov out of things in the future, since too much riding of horses apparently means not enough riding of pilots right afterward, and a sexually frustrated Sulu is not someone I want to spar with again.

I got Mal and River to sleep with each other after Mal and I discussed that Inara whoever she was who bailed on them after Wash died _and_ I got Mal to agree that River's being younger than him and more than a little bit crazy didn't mean the woman couldn't take care of herself most of the time or didn't know what she wanted-- namely _him_.  Too bad it was their first time, I would have totally tapped both of them-- it would have been epically hot, especially Mal.  That accent of his was sexy as hell.   __  
  
At least I got to shoot Vera.  I'm totally naming my phasers Annie Oakley and Buffalo Bill.

Ordered up Sergei Korolev's original rocketship model for Chekov as thanks for figuring out how to get us back through that wormhole and within comm distance of _Enterprise_ and then get _Serenity_ back through to their own 'verse again, since we were supposed to beam down to Tellar, not Whitefall.  Explaining to Pike why we stole horses instead of attending the boring-ass senior officers' conference is going to be sticky, but I'll come up with something.

I might buy Spock a Stetson for Christmas.  He looks good in a hat.  
  

Stardate 2259.301

Pike's annoyed that we not only have ships' cats but ships' dogs, ferrets, chinchillas, turtles and boa constrictors, but there's no regulation to cite to make me get rid of them.  I should know, I had it repealed during the last Captain's subspace conference, and Gary Mitchell's ship already has way more reptiles and hamsters than _Enterprise_.  I mean,  _hamsters_?  Lame.  Our chinchillas are way better-- they're like tribbles, except with personality and claws and they don't make me itch.

I can't believe Pike's being such a bastard, I thought he was cool-- but if he's going to try to go to war on the  _Enterprise's_  pets, he's not going to know what hit him.  I mean, who am I to say no, Captain Cranky Tiberius Kirk?  I don't think so.  It's not like we didn't fix and potty train and radio chip every pet on the ship, and that boa constrictor didn't do any permanent harm to the plumbing.  Plus, Cupcake was so  _cute_ when he was worried about whether we'd find Mr. Slinky and if he was hurt, and I was  _so_  completely restrained in waiting until he got off the bridge with the RFID coordinates to go find his snake before I collapsed in hysterical laughter.  I mean,  _Mr. Slinky_?  

Bones is jealous that Florence Nightingale and Edward Jenner (Flo and Eddie) sleep with me in my room along with Lady Hamilton and Admiral Nelson (Emma and Horace, and Horace came with a stump of a tail, I mean, how cool is  _that_ , there was _no_ question what I would call him).  I say he shouldn't be such a mean cat daddy and yell at them when they visit the patients in Sickbay since nobody's allergic, and then maybe the kitties will sleep with him in his quarters again.  He's even more pissed that Queen Titania and King Oberon (Tania and Obie, though it's cute to see Spock still call them by their formal names) decided they liked sleeping with Spock and Uhura better than him.  Whatever.  Vulcans have high body heat and no one can contest that he and Uhura are  _smokin'_ on multiple levels.  

I think it might make Uhura hot when Obie jumps in Spock's lap during duty shifts and he pets him and lets him stay put.  It's just a feeling, but still.  Mostly, I think Spock lets Obie stay because he's a Russian blue and the fur doesn't show up too badly on the uniforms, unlike Lady Hamilton, who's a white Persian.  Poor Janice Rand is beside herself when Emma gets in my closet, but she's so cute all curled up on my pants, and that's what lint brushes are for, right?

Chapel's pissed that her Yorkie has to stay in her quarters and can only come out on a leash, but that yappy little shit totally  _bit_  Horace and  _he_ , unlike Tessa the Yorkie (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), has caught fifteen rats  _and_  six tribbles.  Poor Scotty shat a brick at the rats, but it's not his fault.  Decontam doesn't always catch everything, and we  _were_  on Whitefall for over a week during that run in with  _Serenity_.  Hell if I know how they made it in through the transporters, but I can't get my eyebrow to do the Spock/Bones thing either, so I'm content to let it be one of the mysteries of space.  Anyway, though-- I told Chapel that if she could get her Yorkie to behave he could come off the leash and roam the ship like Scotty and Gaila's matching Great Danes Wilbur and Orville, but until then I wasn't letting the ship's champion mouser get chased by a dumb little punt dog.  She bites Horace again and I'll punt her out of an airlock, whether or not she belongs to Bones' girlfriend.

Pike now addresses his personal comms at the U.S.S. James Tiberius Kirk's Dog and Pony show, even though I told him I drew the line with letting ponies aboard, no matter how much Chekov begs.  (I mean, if they're a diplomatic gift or something, then fine, but not as pets, okay?)  It'd be a bitch to keep us in pellets and hay what with our deep space exploration duties, and Scotty would undoubtedly complain about hoofmarks on the deck.  And trust me, that man complains even better than Bones-- it's pretty funny when his brogue kicks in and he gets all incomprehensible. 

Note to self-- get Scotty upset about something at the bowling tourney tonight just so he starts going on with all his  _cannae's_ and  _dinnae's_ and  _ye ken's._ I know it gets Gaila hot, and somebody should be getting some action 'round here.

Stardate 2258.353

The Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah party was awesome.  Nobody drank so much they ended up in the infirmary, the holiday-themed karaoke went over well (Spock does a mean Dreidel Song), there weren't any fights, and Bones tells me there are no new STDs or pregnancies despite the fact that it's a week later and we're still finding crewmembers' underwear  _everywhere._ I'm resisting the temptation to DNA test the pair I found under my bed.  I mean, whoever had balls enough to do it in my quarters (at least they changed the sheets afterward) deserves to remain incognito.

The senior officers' Yankee swap was also totally cool.  Watching Spock get all pouty-faced (registering as a twitching eyebrow and a straight mouth to most humans, although Uhura got it and totally snickered along with me and Bones kept laughing into his hand) because Scotty took his mint condition antique Rubik's Cube was totally priceless.  Watching Bones and Chekov bitch at Chapel because she took the good vodka away from both of them was even better.

I'm digging the Frisbee I got.  I'm so organizing an Ultimate league.

Stardate 2259.09

Sulu may kick my ass at fencing (note to self, take an intensive lesson from somebody else the next time we're on Earth), but I totally broke my own shuttle sim record right before Christmas _and_ set a new one for the 'Fleet.  It's good for my pilot to remember I can fly my own ship perfectly well, thank you very much.  Between having Chekov as his hot boyfriend and being totally badass, he tends to get cocky.

I did give him a bonus and ask Starfleet to give him a medal for carting my unconscious ass out of that Cardassian prison, though, _plus_ I gave him that an antique _bat'leth_ I thought might make a nice gift for him sometime back when we stopped over on Rigel.  I mean, he wasn't tortured or anything, but I'm not exactly petite even if Bones says I'm "too fucking skinny,"  (um, hello, no food for two weeks and no water for one, what does he expect, though better me than someone who's never gone hungry before) so props to my pilot for being in enough shape to get me out of there.  I wish I'd seen the bit where he fileted two of the Spoonheads with his katana while he had me over one shoulder, that would have been righteous.  

My scars are almost all gone now, too, which is good-- the standard-issue rec clothes seams keep rubbing and I'm totally itchy.  You'd think they could make, like, special manly Captain-y seamless silk pjs for while you're recovering or something.  

Note to self-- talk to Ernie in Wardrobe and see what he can come up with-- he did an awesome job with the ship-wide Halloween party, that King Louis and Marie Antoinette ensemble he did for Spock and Uhura was perfect, right down to the wigs.

Further note to self, send Pike and 'Fleet Intel a comm to let them know the biting through your tongue thing works as a physical means of combating nerve agents and truth serums, even if it does hurt like a bitch.  Fortunately, Bones is great fucking surgeon.  He says I should be eating regular food and not just lukewarm oatmeal and applesauce and chamomile tea in another week or so.  I'm pissed that I missed the shipwide New Year's Eve party, what with being busy lying here confined to my quarters since Bones is a worrywart, but Chekov said it was totally lame without me and that I shouldn't worry, just get better soon.  That kid plays a mean go fish, but I'm going to teach him to play cribbage when he comes by tomorrow.

Eddie and Flo and Emma and Horace and Tania and Obie are great company when you're confined to your quarters, even if there is hardly enough room in the bed for me once all the cats are done settling in.  That's alright, though.  Six cats purring at once is like a full body massage, and they sure keep the bed warm.   


Further note to self, this is what, like three, now?-- got to send Pike and Archer a longer memo about my concerns for Bajor in light of my stint with the Spoonheads once all the painkillers wear off.

Fourth further note to self-- don't call them Spoonheads outside of my quarters or to anyone besides Bones.  Don't want someone to think I'm a racist.  They totally are, though.  Spoonheads, that is.  Think I need some more meds.  And a cheeseburger.  Maybe Bones will make me a milkshake.  


**Author's Note:**

> This is the start of an old LJ series. There are only 2 parts. I don't know if I will finish it, but please enjoy what there is.


End file.
